The Renewal

She takes me, once more

Her soft, tender hands

Slide through my trembling fingers

To have and to hold

Her nimble arms flex, and

Wrap around my waist

Her unbitten nails

Dig deeply into my neck 

Her pearly whites

Grind into my tongue and lips

Her cold breath

Escapes onto my warm, wet cheek

From this day forward

Her full breasts

Press and rub upon my strong chest

Her bended knees

Twist around my buckled legs

For better or for worse

Her stiffened toes

Curl between my satin sheets

In sickness and in health

Her stifled moans

Reach the painted ceiling

And get lost in the swirling fan

That won’t cool down our burning flesh

Her sea green eyes meet mine

Then roll back, pulling her mouth with it

As an inaudible sound escapes to the Heavens

With an invisible glare to pierce the sky

Thick nails dig deep into my shoulders

Deeper and her thighs squeeze tighter

Around mine, and her waist squeezes tighter

Around mine, her legs squeeze tighter

A stiff bind, her hands squeeze tighter

Around mine, and her teeth bite harder

To love and to cherish

For all time. That’s not sweat.

It’s a trail, fresh from the fruit of love,

Or sin, that screams my name

From the pit of the chocolate tree

Again, and again, and again,

And again, until the last drop

Is spent.

Her toes relax, and flinch

When I touch her tender soul

She lays her head on my chest

As I tremble, coldly, in her rest

‘Til death do us part.

Life is renewed.

Cashing in on Outer Space

This new company – Planetary Resources – is invested in commercial space exploration and industrialization.  I mean, just looking at the website feels like being transported into some sci fi movie. What they want to do is mine asteroids. They claim that a single 500-meter asteroid (there are a few thousand just hanging out around Earth) contains more platinum than has ever been mined in the  history of Earth.  Asteroids also contain loads of frozen water and resources that can be used for a variety of things, like rocket fuel that can propel us (commercial enterprises and possibly everyday citizens) across the solar system.

It’s really cool, while being really scary. It reminds me of my youth, sitting up at night dreaming about walking on the Moon and Mars. NASA can’t do its job anymore. It may be time for privatized space exploration. Who knows what doors it can open up? The one thing we can learn from history, however, is that there are two sides to every coin.

Smallville Nostalgia

I used to LOVE this show. Back in high school, I would go home and build my Tuesday nights around Smallville. Seriously. Homework, food, everything would stop around 7pm for the new episode.  Although I got hooked on the first season, I grew to really adore the show in the middle of it’s run. I guess I preferred the story arcs and major villains to the episodic stories in the first seasons that were reminiscent of Power Rangers, or maybe the cartoon Superman show from WB. But when Lana lost Whitney and she ran to Lex, I knew things were getting interesting. The more the story strayed from the traditional story line, the more closely my eyes glued themselves to the screen. I wondered whether Clark would ever find Lois. It got to point where I wondered if they would totally leave Lois out of the picture. But I suppose I was wrong and eventually, Lois and Clark became the iconic couple we all know and love.  However, one of the most heart-wrenching moments in television history – for me – was the episode when a Lana left (due to Lex’s manipulation) and Lex “died”.  Here’s the end of that episode…

Speaking of which, I never quite understood why they had to write Lex out of the show. I mean, Tess was interesting and all, but Lex is Lex. And I love the decline of their friendship over time. That was brilliant. And Zod coming back was ridiculous.  Note, I purchased the final season, but have yet to watch all of it. But Zod is wack. He came once and they did away with him. Doomsday and Brainiac were/are better villains but they had such a minimal presence. Maybe because they’re meant to “pop back up” in the Superman timeline later when he’s older.  I don’t know. Well. Oh and Chloe and Pete and Lionel and Mom and Pop and Oliver. They’re all memorable. I really did love my Tuesday nights in high school thanks to Smallville on WB (that eventually became CW). Here’s to the memories. Cheers…

Tough Love

Today, my supervisor encouraged me to reflect on my Corps year at Match in Boston. I couldn’t think of anything profound on the spot.  All I could say were all the great things I loved about my job and my kids and expressed how proud I was of them for their improvement over the year.  As sincere as I was, I was hiding something. It’s funny how those things happen.  And of course, I went home – the apartment on the 3rd floor of my school – and thought of a million things. Well, actually I was sitting at a fried chicken spot around the corner from the school when I composed this list of reflections.

It’s beyond hard explaining this job to anyone outside of the Match community. Seriously.

It’s hard being a figure of authority and getting the kids on your side, or being hard on them and living with the fact that they may not like you.

It’s hard not having someone or someplace to run away to after a hard day.

It’s hard living on the third floor, being forever tethered to the school, to work.

It’s hard having to come “home” to and tolerate the same people who, during the school day, pissed you off.

It’s hard to not get attached to these kids.

It’s hard to not laugh with Isaiah, then look him square in the eye and issue a demerit.

It’s still hard to sit in a room with Alvin. It has not gotten easier to build that relationship.

It’s hard to remember and teach and tutor subjects and concepts I haven’t spoken of since high school.

It’s hard to develop close relationships with my co-workers/floormates because they serve that dualistic role and sometimes it seems like a competition.

It’s hard to remember what it really takes to be a kid, going through the motions of school and life, in high school.

It’s hard to act like I’m so above the kids and so much older than them – I’m not.

It’s hard to convince myself, and the people I work with, that I have all the answers.  It’s easy to trick myself into thinking I do.

It’s hard to remember what really makes me happy, outside of being around kids.

It’s hard to resist the urge to re-live my high school days through my students.

It’s hard to keep up with the people and events that occur outside of the Match community.

It’s hard to remember to take care of myself when so many people depend on me and my work.

It’s easy to forget things when i don’t write them down.

It’s hard to save and budget on such a low income, in such an expensive city.

It’s hard to live and enjoy myself in Boston (Allston), around people I don’t entirely feel comfortable with.

It’s hard not to yearn for alone time at least three times a day.

It’s hard to smile when I genuinely want to commit acts of aggression.

It’s hard talking to the other staff members without thinking about, or reverting back to work.

It’s hard walking in the door of this school building on weekends and breaks and saying to myself, “welcome home.”

It’s hard not taking insults from kids personally.

It’s hard not holding grudges. I thought I was good at letting things go.

It’s hard having roommates, post-college. Not that I don’t like them; I just really like my space and it’s constantly invaded.

It’s hard to fill in for people when they’re abruptly sick.

It’s hard to refrain from getting upset at the little things, like putting milk away and constantly telling kids to tuck their shirts.

It’s hard following a plethora of rules that I don’t entirely agree with, under the threat of a pink slip.

It’s hard to go through a ten hour school day and sometimes pretend like I’m twice as enthusiastic about it as my kids.

It’s hard treating all kids equally, once I develop strong relationships with some of them.

It’s hard sharing my kids with other staff members, who have lesser relationships with them.

It’s hard to watch my closest students seamlessly interact with older tutors and staff members.

It’s hard being compared favorably and unfavorably to current and former staff members.

It’s hard being forgotten, or passed up for reward.

It’s hard not having a second TA to share the load.

It’s hard sucking up the blame for student decisions that are out of my control.

It’s hard to answer the phone when a student calls during my rare “me time”.

It’s hard to allow myself to open up to meeting with students earlier than I have to.

It’s hard working around a schedule not created by me.

It’s hard to stop or leave something once you’ve started and gotten good at it.

Welcome to the real world.

“Darkness” by Byron

I had a dream, which was not all a dream.

The bright sun was extinguished, and the stars

Did wander darkling in the eternal space,

Rayless, and pathless, and the icy earth

Swung blind and blackening in the moonless air;

Morn came and went -and came, and brought no day,

And men forgot their passions in the dread

Of this their desolation; and all hearts

Were chilled into a selfish prayer for light;

And they did live by watchfires -and the thrones,

The palaces of crowned kings -the huts,

The habitations of all things which dwell,

Were burnt for beacons; cities were consumed,

And men were gathered round their blazing homes

To look once more into each other’s face;

Happy were those which dwelt within the eye

Of the volcanoes, and their mountain-torch;

A fearful hope was all the world contained;

Forests were set on fire -but hour by hour

They fell and faded -and the crackling trunks

Extinguished with a crash -and all was black.

The brows of men by the despairing light

Wore an unearthly aspect, as by fits

The flashes fell upon them: some lay down

And hid their eyes and wept; and some did rest

Their chins upon their clenched hands, and smiled;

And others hurried to and fro, and fed

Their funeral piles with fuel, and looked up

With mad disquietude on the dull sky,

The pall of a past world; and then again

With curses cast them down upon the dust,

And gnashed their teeth and howled; the wild birds shrieked,

And, terrified, did flutter on the ground,

And flap their useless wings; the wildest brutes

Came tame and tremulous; and vipers crawled

And twined themselves among the multitude,

Hissing, but stingless -they were slain for food;

And War, which for a moment was no more,

Did glut himself again; -a meal was bought

With blood, and each sate sullenly apart

Gorging himself in gloom: no love was left;

All earth was but one thought -and that was death,

Immediate and inglorious; and the pang

Of famine fed upon all entrails -men

Died, and their bones were tombless as their flesh;

The meagre by the meagre were devoured,

Even dogs assailed their masters, all save one,

And he was faithful to a corse, and kept

The birds and beasts and famished men at bay,

Till hunger clung them, or the drooping dead

Lured their lank jaws; himself sought out no food,

But with a piteous and perpetual moan,

And a quick desolate cry, licking the hand

Which answered not with a caress -he died.

The crowd was famished by degrees; but two

Of an enormous city did survive,

And they were enemies: they met beside

The dying embers of an altar-place

Where had been heaped a mass of holy things

For an unholy usage: they raked up,

And shivering scraped with their cold skeleton hands

The feeble ashes, and their feeble breath

Blew for a little life, and made a flame

Which was a mockery; then they lifted up

Their eyes as it grew lighter, and beheld

Each other’s aspects -saw, and shrieked, and died -

Even of their mutual hideousness they died,

Unknowing who he was upon whose brow

Famine had written Fiend. The world was void,

The populous and the powerful was a lump,

Seasonless, herbless, treeless, manless, lifeless -

A lump of death -a chaos of hard clay.

The rivers, lakes, and ocean all stood still,

And nothing stirred within their silent depths;

Ships sailorless lay rotting on the sea,

And their masts fell down piecemeal; as they dropped

They slept on the abyss without a surge -

The waves were dead; the tides were in their grave,

The Moon, their mistress, had expired before;

The winds were withered in the stagnant air,

And the clouds perished! Darkness had no need

Of aid from them -She was the Universe!

(July 1816)